But Yahweh.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss a test I recently took. Seth and I knew we wanted to have children, but we'd thought to put that off for a few years while we went about being practical newly-weds. We only knew each other a short time before getting married, and so a couple of years of "just us" seemed like a certainty a year ago. I'm not sure exactly what came along first... but several things came into play a few months after our wedding.

I'll start with the best one first. One day driving home from church, Seth suddenly asked me what a certain name meant. I looked it up and told him what I'd found. He told me that Yahweh had told him during the service that we would have a son, and that this was the name we were to give him. I've written this sweet name a thousand times on pieces of paper.... imagined his little face... his character... and the promise that he will be ours. I've delighted over that word countless times, and I can't wait to meet our son. One day.

Some other things that happened maybe before that and some since are that we've had to go back to some medical issues I'd ignored the past few years. Things that relate directly to having babies. I have never really felt that I wouldn't be able to have children. I don't now. And bolstered by knowing that we are going to have a son, it's not something that I'll ever doubt. But six months ago when I went in for some tests, the results weren't awesome. Nothing life-threatening, but they were still life-affecting. I thought having a surgery was a no-brainer, but after speaking with my doctor, I had this knowing that I should not have the surgery, at least not now. Six months ago we were still thinking babies were a few years off.

Then there is the fact that I'm 31 now... will be 32 in July, and if we seriously want two or three children, then it's not something we should put off for three years to even begin. My mother was in her 40s when she had me. She will be 73 this year. She doesn't have grand-children yet, and I don't want to find myself in the same situation. Maybe my kids will have children earlier than I will - in fact, I believe that will be the case. But even still ... it's something I don't want to repeat. And so - my age factors into this too.

So that last appointment with the doctor resulted in her saying she wanted me to have a more specific test six months from then - which is now. And tomorrow we go in to see her to discuss the results. We want to get the professional "green light" to start trying. I already know that by the natural there are some very real risks for me and our babies-to-be, because it seems my body may not be the nicest host. But Yahweh.

And that's the place I will rest in. I do not doubt the word my husband heard. Not a bit. But I have anxiety in getting there. Seth is a man of peace ... he just exudes it. I am so thankful for it. He doesn't give me a place to be fearful, to fret over this or that possibility. He is a decisive and certain man. I love those qualities. I never knew how much I would need them. For those dark years I had in my life, I would write so many songs and pray so frequently for peace. It was always what I was seeking. And the Father was so good to me, setting aside my sweet Seth for me.

There is a lot of confusion in the medical field, and my heart is that it's the supernatural path that I don't waver from. And still, I will be wise and practical and full of faith.