I have been writing on Penzu lately, because it's an online journal that allows me to write very openly on what I'm thinking about and feeling, without concern for how it may be coming across in a blog. Not that I was really writing here much before, but I've always been cautious in how to share in this format. I guess I just kept putting it off. In any case, if you are someone who, like me, loves being able to write out your heart but feels a bit cautious about using a blog to do so, maybe Penzu would work for you. I love pen to paper better than anything else, but an online private journal has its benefits too.
So, time for an update on my life. Seth and I have been trying to have a baby for about 13 months now. I have moments of sadness, and I anxiously approach each month when I will see if its this time, and I have convinced myself on several occasions that I'm pregnant, but I always feel both reserved and full of hope approaching those days and in their aftermath. So far, no pregnancy. But don't feel sad or sorry for us. We are in our God's perfect timing, and this child is a word to us, and there's no doubt that Yahweh's word is as full today as it was when we first heard it. It won't return to us void... our baby will be, and we patiently and joyfully await the day. I have had to be comforted by my husband and by close friends on occasion, but the enduring spirit in me doesn't stumble or waver in its hope. Each time that disappointment hits, the hope is still right there, and I really marvel at it. I find my life and testimony miraculous. I was never a person who had a taste for dark or rebellious things. I've always been serious, even though I love to be silly and laugh and to make others laugh, but I'm an old soul. I've never been one to disregard the day. So some could look into my life and think that I never went through a bad or difficult time, but it isn't true at all. I'm just very determined to honor Yahweh, and to try hard to live without regrets. When I make a mistake, I feel badly for so long, and I don't like feeling that way. I always want peace. Peace and Wisdom are what I want to take residence in, and I want those qualities to take residence in me. I have dealt with a lot of loss in my life, and a lot of times of confusion, and a lot has been required of me - and I look back from where I stand on this day, and I see many miracles, many good choices, many blessings. My husband is a miracle to me. Being a home owner is one too. Having a great job and friends who are valiant and honest and hilarious and true - oh boy, there's not much that's better. I love my church and all that I learn and am so grateful for the revelation and strength that I enjoy from it. Yahweh is always good to me.. sometimes He's a lion and sometimes He's a lamb in my life, and "the mature person will receive Him as both." He is always Good. The best. So I pray over our babies... and I know that in due season their times will come, and no one will be more full of heart and praise than me and Seth.
I imagine them in Heaven right now... I think of them there, preparing for their time on Earth. That's how I think of them, as whole in spirit now, and I speak to them. I prepare for them in my spirit now, and I think of things in my natural life that I need to improve... whether it's keeping my house in better order, or keeping myself in order... I don't want them to be born into a messy home or into personal issues I should address. When I know of something that I need to change about myself, I think how I need to correct it or break a bad pattern before I have a child who then adopts the same bad habits or traits. I know there will always be things. I know I will always be pursuing the Father and so I'll always be pursuing a greater maturity, and that will be something I can impart to our children too.
Anyway, that is at the forefront of my mind for this post. For anyone out there who has stumbled upon this blog, whether it's now or years from now... this is where I was today! Full of hope and confidence in what is to come! I hope you are seeing your blessings today too, my friend!
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